Deep Thoughts 

by Jack Handey and Friends

Jack Handey (born 25 February 1949) is an American humorist best known for his Deep Thoughts and related spots on Saturday Night Live from 1991 to 1998, and again from 2001 to 2002. He has also written several books, including Deepest Thoughts: So Deep they Squeak (1994), as well as for National Lampoon and New Yorker. We may not be the first to notice that, when put in the mouths of well-known philosophical thinkers,Handey's aphorisms become particularly surreal. His own official website can be found at http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com/.

On Theodicy:

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." (G.W. Leibniz)

On Responsibility:

"I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and   we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." (J.S. Mill)

On Semantic Analysis:

"Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. (G. Ryle)

On the Primacy of the Mental:

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis." (G. Berkeley)

On Skepticism:

"Yesterday's meditation has thrown me into such doubts that I can no longer ignore them, yet I fail to see how they are to be resolved. It is as if I had suddenly fallen into a deep whirlpool; I am so tossed about that I can neither touch bottom with my foot, nor swim up to the top. . . I also can't find my lucky socks. " (R. Descartes)

On Spongebobbing for Metaphysics:

"Like sailors we are, who must rebuild their ship upon the open sea, never able to dismantle it in dry dock or to reconstruct it there from the best materials." . . . That's it! Philosophy is like the Loveboat . . . and I am Captain Feelgood." (O. Neurath)     

On Wisdom Literature: 

"Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy." (H. Simpson)

n Great Thoughts of the Western Intellectual Tradition:

"I Think I'll take Myself to town and buy myself a bowl of Chile." (A. Tumbleweeds) 

On the Sexes:

"Then from woman's point of view I shall describe the world in which women must live; and thus we shall be able to envisage the difficulties in their way as, endeavoring to make their escape from the sphere hitherto assigned them, they aspire to full membership in the human race . . . Although, I must admit, I sometimes look at those who presently have full membership in the human race, and wonder if this aspiration is too low." (S. de Beauvoir) 

On Knowing One's Intellectual Limitations: 

"I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on." (George W. Bush)

On the Epistemological Human Condition:

"Human reason has this peculiar fate that in one species of its knowledge it is burdened by questions which, as prescribed by the very nature of reason itself, it is not able to ignore, but which, as transcending all its powers, it is also not able to answer." . . . Pretty deep for an uptight, Prussian hunchback, eh?" (I. Kant)

On Eliminating Ontological Redundancy:

"I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the old one... it wasn't doing what I was doing." (S. Wright)

On Putting Life in Proper Perspective I:

"The life of man is of no greater importance to the universe than that of an oyster." (D. Hume)

On Putting Life in Proper Perspective II:

"MMMMMMM. . . .  Oysters." (H. Simpson)

On Having to Deal with Idiots:

"It would be an endless task to trace the variety of meannesses, cares, and sorrows, into which women are plunged by the prevailing opinion, that they were created rather to feel than reason, and that all the power they obtain, must be obtained by their charms and weakness. . . Oh, why be coy? Let's face it. Without our influence, you guys would have barely evolved to the point of being able to brew beer and throw rocks at each other." (M. Wollstonecraft)

On "A Planet Where Apes Evolved From Men!!!"

"Beware the beast man, for he is the Devil's pawn.
Alone among God's primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed.
Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land.
Let him not breed in great numbers,
for he will make a desert of his home and yours.
Shun him, drive him back into his jungle lair,
for he is the harbinger of death." ("The Lawgiver", famous 26th Century Moral Theorist and Animal Rights Activist)

On Psychological Balance and the Limitations of Tolerance:

"The man who gets angry at the right things and with the right people, and in the right way and at the right time and for the right length of time, is commended. However, he who finds prop comics amusing shall be hunted down and killed like the animal he is." (Aristotle) 

On Pre-Supercuts Pragmatism:

"The whole function of thought is to produce  habits of action, though not necessarily tasteful ones." (C.S. Peirce)

On Imagining that the Godhead is as Simple-Minded as Oneself:

"If God is inside of each of us, like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's gonna get." (Profound Theological Thinker and Born-with-too-much-time- on-his-hands-all-around sociopath Osama bin Laden)

On the World as I Found It: 

"Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent. . . . Unless one knows how to whistle. You know how to whistle, don't you? You just pucker up your lips and blow." (L. Wittgenstein)

On Pat Answers to Serious Questions:

"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex." (P. Robertson)

On Phony Humility:

I am sorry that I have had to leave so many problems unsolved. I always have to make this apology, but the world really is rather puzzling and I cannot help it . . . My God. I'm ugly. I actually frightened my own children in the nursery this morning." (B. Russell) 

On Unfathomable Motives:

"We probed philosophers for seven hundred years, and what did we find out? First, one  out of ten doesn't seem to even notice; and second, they all insist on talking throughout the procedure. Why do think we now pick up just any old idiot we see in a pick-up truck?" (Anonymous)

On Beauty and the Beast:

"I don't think you could ever see anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo. And it's flying past a beautiful, beautiful sunset. And in its beak it has a beautiful, beautiful rose. And in its claws it's carrying a beautiful, beautiful painting. And, also, you're drunk." (Arthur Schopenhauer)

On the Afterlife:

"If I ever become a doctor and a patient flatlines on my operating table, and I see his soul hovering above his body, looking down at me, what I think I'll do is take a $20 bill out of my wallet and put it in the body's mouth. That'll get him to come back! . . . In any case, I'll  take the $20 back." (Augustine of Hippo).

On Human Nature: 

"Ya gotta love these humans. I got a brain of a pea and I still outwit 'em!" (Godzilla, King of the Party Animals)

On the Day-to-Day Struggles of an Overman

"At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw to hell with you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't pay me (F. Nietzsche).

On the Absurd:

"Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing." (Jean-Paul Sartre).

On the Rugged Form of Justice:

"If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink." (Plato).

On the March of Reason

"I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman." (Georg W. F. Hegel).

On Getting What You Want

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby." (Thrasymachus of Chalcedon).

On Mice and Moss and Men:

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.." (Peter Singer-- friend of animals, enemy of the handicapped, undecided with regard to handicapped animals).

On Dealing With Human Tragedy

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" (A. Camus)

On the Nature of Metaphor:

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. (D Davidson)

On Natural Kinds:

I'll take that little one, way in the back," I said. "That little collie mix?" said the animal shelter guy. "No," I said, "the one behind him." "The gray terrier?" he said. "He's gray,"

I said,"but way in the back, in the corner." "You mean the water faucet?" he said. I realized then it was a water faucet, but I didn't want to look like a jerk, so I said,"Yeah, that's the one I want." It ended up costing me almost five hundred dollars to get that faucet removed. But you know, I've still got that faucet, and I wouldn't trade it for any dog in the world.(S. Kripke) 

On the Sanctity of Property:

I remember one night I was walking past Mom and Dad's room when I heard them talking about how they might not have enough money to pay their bills that month. I went and got my piggy bank and buried it in the backyard, where they couldn't get their mitts on it. (R. Nozick)

On Catharsis:

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. (Aristotle

On the Afterlife:

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun." (J. Hick)

On Childhood Education:

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling. (J. Rousseau)

On Clarity:

To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me. (M. Foucault)

On the Aesthetic Life:

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. (S. Kierkegaard)

On Personal Identity:

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you. (D. Parfit)

On the Ends of Revolution:

"Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games." (K. Marx)

On the Rules of War:

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them. (Hugo Grotius)

On the Seductions of History:

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull? (A.Toynbee)

On the Sublime:

As I stood there looking at the beautiful waterfall, I wondered how many other people had stood there, and how many had candy corn "teeth" sticking out between their lips like I did. (I. Kant)

On Free Agency:

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers. (T. Hobbes)